Recently I have been reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is a good book and has taught me much about relationships and how I can improve on them. Here is a summary of what I have learned so far.
We all speak one primary love language, but parts of others. In relationships trouble often starts when you realize that the other person is human with faults as well as virtues. It is important to learn their love language so that you can speak it. If we speak others' love languages we will have a life full of meaningful relationships. It may be hard at times, but the effort is worth it. Knowing about the other languages as well as our own will help us identify the areas we could improve on in our lives.
1. Words of Affirmation.
Words of affirmation can include: "I love you," "Thank you for your help," "Good job," and many other positive comments to those who assist us. Every human craves for his or her accomplishments to be recognized by others, but some desire it more than others. We want to be good, we want to perform well. Sometimes it is hard to recognize it when this is our primary love language. We feel frustrated when we do things and nobody seems to notice.
One suggestion by the author is that when we want to be recognized, we should first recognize others. If you did not grow up in a home where your parents and siblings gave praise to each other, you might start by praising them. Slowly but surely they will give it back to you.
Some may not grow up in a home where praise is given, so they do not recognize that they crave praise. If you do things and feel hurt when your actions are not recognized, then your primary love language is probably words of affirmation.
There are 2 different dialects of words of affirmation. They are words of praise and kind words. Praise is the one I crave most. I want others to see how much I care, and if they don't see my effort I probably will stop my efforts. It is important to give other praise for the efforts. With kind words some may feel awesome if another just says hi. If they know others care, that is what makes them feel loved and appreciated.
2. Gifts
Some may love to receive gifts. The book tells of one lady who after her husband died moved into a much smaller home. She got rid of most of her furniture, but would not part with one rocking hard her husband had given her a long time ago. It meant a lot to her, and reminded her of her husband. It often doesn't matter what the gift is, it is the thought that counts.
When a man and woman get married, they give each other rings as symbol as their commitment to the other. If the couple experiences trouble in their relationship and divorce the ring is normally the first thing to be taken off. It is a visual reminder of the love that was once felt.
People who feel loved through gifts often collect what seem to others as useless things. What others do not see is that everything has a memory of the person who gave the gift or the place it was acquired. When learning the love language of giving gifts it is important to chose one that will mean something to that person.
When giving a gift we do not always to spend a lot of money on gifts. It seems like those who do are more caring then those who use thought when giving gifts. Remember, those whose primary love language is giving and receiving gifts, it is the thought that counts with them.
3. Acts of service
Some people love to give and receive acts of service. Those who do will see a need and do it. They don't have to be asked, they don't have to be paid for their efforts. But they do want to be recognized for their efforts. They want to have little things done for them. If a coat is on the ground they will pick it up and hang it back up.
It is sometimes hard to know when someone's primary love language is acts of service. If they want to show appreciation they will often do something for that person. They will clean the room of a sibling, they will do the dishes even when not assigned. They won't complain or ask for recognition. They do it to show love.
At times those who's primary love language is not acts of service may wonder why someone is doing extra work. They wonder why they want to clean, why they want to stay late at work for someone else. But once we recognize that they give acts of service it allows us the opportunity to do something for them. To leave them a plate of cookies, do a chose assigned to them.
4. Quality Time
For those of you like me, you love to spend time with those you care about and love. Those whose primary love language is quality time love to spend time with people. They don't care what they do with that person or group, they just want to be around them. The activity will usually leave a lot of time for discussion.
I have noticed that I love to have quality time with people. I will arrange activities and groups just so that I can spend time with certain people. If you give me 15 minutes, I will love you for a long time. I just want you to pay attention to me.
Having quality time as your primary love language you will probably be a good listener. There are those who listen only to give suggestions. I am sure we all know those who don't really listen but will do so only so that they can tell us what they think. For those who want to be listened to, that makes us feel like they don't care about us. I love to be listened to, but I also love to listen. I love to listen to others. I love to connect with them. I do that by spending time with others and discussing things with them.
There are two ways to spend quality time with people: listen and activities. Some people like me love to talk, and they want people to listen to them. And there are those who just want to be around certain people they love. The way others can show us they care and love us is to spend time with us.
5. Physical Touch
The last love language is physical touch. These are the people that love to give and receive hugs, and other signs of affection. Sometimes a hand on the shoulder, a simple hug can make someone's day much better. For those whose primary love language is not physical touch it may be difficult for them to speak it, and touching someone is rather awkward.
There are two types of touches, those that are appropriate and those that aren't. Just because someone's love language is physical touch does not be mean we should inappropriately touch them. We should shake their hand, pat them on the back for a job well done, or other simple sign of affections.
Sometimes you may not feel comfortable giving hugs or touch another, but with practice you will find that it enhances relationships. It makes the other person know you care for them. We all crave to be loved, so why not show them you care? The awkwardness will disappear with time as you continue to do it.
