So tonight I had a visit with a Stake Presidency member, President Anderson. I went to have him endorse me to be worthy to go to BYU-Idaho. Well, the discussion went a very different direction. He started asking me questions about the mission, how it felt, was it hard, and other things. Then he started telling me that he thought that I didn't have a desire to go back on the mission. He asked me straight up if I had a desire to return. I told him I had absolutely no such desire.
We got into a big discussion about how having desire makes all the difference. He asked if I had done everything possible to go back. I believe I've given 99%. He wants me to give 110%. As far as I was concerned, I was through with the missoin. I had tried hard, did my excercises, and felt good about not heading back on the mission. I still do now.
But he said that if I walked away right now, that I'd always be miserable. That I'd always wonder what would have happened if I went back. I have those thoughts now. I believe I always will. He wants me to try everything possible to go back, starting with my desire to. If I have no desire, then I won't do it. Desire is key to everything. If I don't want to, I won't. I must admit that the desire is not here now. But President Anderson asked me to pray to have it restored, and I will.
He also asked me if I would attend the temple every week. I am going tomorrow morning. I will try my best. He also wants me to write in my journal everyday as well as reading my patriarchal blessing daily. I plan on doing those things, as I should have already been doing them.
So I have a few questions. Is something wrong with not wanting to go back. Am I in the wrong? Is there someone else out there for only me to find? Can I reach a few more people? Is it the right thing for me to do? What is right at this point in my life? Should I seek employment? What will happen to James and Steven's education if I leave? I want them to be awesome, (like me) and to truly understand themselves. I don't know the answer to those questions. Right I honestly feel like my service as a misisonary is finished. I truly do believe that. That may change, but those are my feelings. I also am very unsure of my future. I guess I just need to trust my leaders, and do thing simple things of life.
So my plan for moving forward: Stay at church, go to temple often, write on my blog daily, read my patriarchal blessing daily, continue studying, writing and thinking. There should never be a time when I'm not adding to my knowledge of the world, whether secularly or spiritually.
I am a student at USU, love to read, cook and be with my beautiful wife and daughters, and I love to write.
I really appreciate the commitment you have made to James and Steven's education. You have truly been an answer to prayer. However, I don't think this is a permanent situation. It has been important, especially in light of our limitations right now, but you must move ahead in your own life so you don't resent this time you have given to them. To be honest, I'd love to have you working with them through the spring, but then they will need to expand again to others with different expertise in other areas. In large part, you are helping to prepare them for that transfer. Thank you again and again. Your sacrifice has been much appreciated.
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