Book of Lemuel

The book of Lemuel

Little known to the body of the church, during the summer of 1990, a hitchhiker traveling across the southwest desert of the US made a marvelous discovery while searching for a place to bed down in a cave.  Unable to sleep, the hitchhiker began picking at a crack in the floor of the cave, and to his dismay, found nothing less than the lid to a stone box.  Upon removing the lid he discovered a set of aluminum plates, a switchblade knife and a pair of fuzzy dice.

In his desperation for food the hitchhiker sold the plates to an archaeologist from BYU, whom he met at a KFC in Shiprock, New Mexico.  The relics were reportedly sold for $100 and a bucket of the Colonel’s extra crispy with extra slaw and mashed potatoes.

Archaeologists have determined that the plates date from approximately 600 BC and contain writings in reformed Egyptian, which seem to parallel the narrative account of the Book of Mormon.  It is thought that the engravings were written by several men, or by one slightly schizophrenic man.

The Church has delayed comment until the plates can be further translated.  Here is a portion of the translation so far:

Dear Diary,

I, Lemuel, having been born of nagging parents, therefore I have been harassed much of my life.  Not only by my parents, but also by my younger brother, Nephi, and my older brother Laman, with whom I get along best.  There, now maybe my parents will get off my back about keeping a record.  LEM

Dear Diary,

It has finally happened!  My father is a lunatic.  He has decided that he ‘feels’ that we should leave the big city and head into the wilderness.  God only knows where.  He started talking about leaving after he came home from yelling at people to repent.  He said they threw rocks at him.  I think one must have beamed him in the noggin.  He then went and laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight.  I thought he was in a coma.    LEM

Dear Diary,

It looks like dad is serious about this whole leaving thing.  He says that he had a dream in which God told him to leave Jerusalem.  I guess it couldn’t have had anything with the pizza he ate before he went to bed.  I always have dreams like that if I eat pizza before I sleep.

Laman and I are resisting, but it looks like we’re going too.  We don’t really have to, I guess, but if we don’t how will we eat? Despair!  I have a girlfriend and my own horse.  Dad is loaded with gold, which we can’t take into the wilderness because it’s too heavy.  Of course, that momma’s boy Nephi is eager to go.  He makes me sick.  I think I’ll hurl my lunch if I see him again today.  LEM

Dear Diary,

We’ve been living in a tent for three days now.  My neck hurts from sleeping on the ground.  It must show, because Dad and Nephi keep commenting on my stiffneckedness.  There are mosquitoes everywhere and I have blisters on my feet.  Today Dad said, “O that thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord…. Blah blah blah.”  Whatever.  Constant nagging.  He never lets up, and Nephi isn’t much better.  Have to go now.  LEM

Dear Diary,

Hi.  I’m Lemuel and I’m retarded.

Dear Diary,

I didn’t write that last entry.  Laman must have somehow gotten a hold of these plates.  Sometimes I wish you there was a way to erase engravings.  Maybe I could get a jeweler to fix it.  Dad says we have to go back into town and get some brass plates from Laban.  Sure, like Laban’s going to say, “Here you go, take them.  Maybe you want my coat too?  You want that I go die of pneumonia, and then you’ll be happy, right?”  He hit me once when we were younger because I spit on him.  I am not going.  LEM

Dear Diary,

Just got back from the city.  It was alright, but the way back was murder.  Laman was picked to go talk to Lana.  He went over and got drunk with him.  Then he hit on one of his women so Laban pummeled him bloody.  After that, we went back home, got our gold, and tried to buy the plates from Laban.  He said no and had his gang chase us away and stole all of our stuff.  Laman was furious.  I thought the vein on his head was going to blow.  He got a stick and we beat Nephi and Sammy with it until we got tired.  Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall.  He was hammered, so Nephi chopped off his head and took the plates.  LEM

Dear Diary,

Now Dad wants us to go back home and get Ishmael and his family.  He probably wants us to marry his daughters-  he’s got about a million kids.  I guess I don’t mind so much about going back to Jerusalem this time; some of Ish’s daughter have nice bods, but nothing upstairs.  But hey, what more could a man want?  I’ll write more when I get back.   LEM

Dear Diary,

Just got back.  Ishmael’s daughters are better than I remembered.  But there’s one that’s butt ugly.  She’s been hanging around Laman like a bad suit.  Nephi’s been on our backs the whole time.  He keeps telling me to repent.  Sheesh!  IT’s not like I am Cain or something.  LEM

Dear Diary,

I’ve had it out here!  I’m no camper.  I’ve had diarrhea for the last two months.  I haven’t been writing much lately because things have been really hard.  Now the old man’s got a ball he stares into for about 8 hours a day.  He says it’s telling him what to do.  I’m going to bed.  Mom’s pregnant, I think.  Either that or she has a humor.  I think she’s too old to have a baby.  LEM

Dear Diary,

Mom is pregnant.  She had a boy – named him Joe.  We all have families now, and most of us have at least one kid.  I have two – Frank and Jesse.  They’re terrors, but I guess they’ll grow out of it.  I’ve got to write more often, but I always put it off.  I don’t know why, but my wife is getting real buff.  I’m worried about it because she’s almost bigger than me.  Laman’s wife is huge.  She’s stronger then eight cows.  But then, I always told Laman he had an eight cow wife!

Dear Diary,

Oyveh!  Would that there was a good deli in the wilderness.  I’m craving some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami on rye.  Nephi says God told him to build a boat.  He’s never even seen a boat; Jerusalem’s landlocked.  I’ve never seen more than a glass of water at one time, let alone an ocean.  Now Nephi thinks he’s Noah all of a sudden!  He can’t even shoot a bow.  He broke his last one last week.  We went a day without any food because of it, but Nephi probably called it a fast.  LEM

Dear Diary,

Laman just gave me a tattoo.  It really hurts.  He rubbed salt on it before I could stop him.  He said it makes it feel better.  It hurts like the dickens.  I don’t why I left him do it; he can talk me into just about anything.  I can’t believe it’s been eight years since we left home, and here we are on a beach with a ship that probably won’t even float.  Mom had another baby – called him Jacob.  I can already tell he’s going to be nothing but trouble.  LEM

Dear Diary,

We’ve been having a party here on that ship Nephi made.  It works pretty good; we’ve been floating for about two weeks now.  We tied Nephi up yesterday because he was so stiff.  Laman got real mad at him when he was drunk.  It’s been stormy a lot.  If it gets much worse we might sink.  Everybody says God is punishing us with this storm and that we should untie Nephi.  Right!  I doubt it.  But maybe we’ll untie him after Family Home Evening is over.  LEM