Missionary Articles of Faith

The 13 Missionary Articles of Faith

1.  We believe in suits of all colors (black, blue, brown, gray and tan), and in white shirts, and in an assortment of as many ties as possible.

2.   We believe that speakers should be punished for speaking to long, and not the congregation.

3.  We believe that by blaming your companion you can escape all kinds of punishments.

4.  We believe that the first four principles of getting back borrowed articles are: (1) asking, (2) begging, (3) stealing and (4) the laying on of hands.

5.  We believe that a missionary should be raised by the sprinkling of water and the laying on of hands if not out of bed by 6:30.

6.  We believe in the same organization that existed in the previous mission: President, AP’s, ZL’s, DL’s and senior comps. 

7.  We believe in the gifts of cakes, cookies, candy, donuts, and money.

8.  We believe letters from girlfriends to be the word of love, as far as they are translated correctly; we also believe letters from our mothers to be the word of love.

9.  We believe part of what our companions have said, part of what they are now saying, and believe they will try to feed us a lot of bull in the future.

10.  We believe in the literal departure of Elders to their lives back home;  that zion will be built upon this, the state of California, and that we will not be trunky until we have received our honorable release.

11.  We claim the privilege of writing letters home according to the dictates of our own schedules and allow ALL missionaries the same privilege, let the write whom, who, where or what they may.

12.  We believe in not being subject to stop signs, yield signs, speed limits, nor common sense when smashing, crashing, and abusing mission cars.

13.  We believe in being handsome, chased, magnificent, virtuous, and in saying ‘hi’ to all young ladies; indeed we may say we follow the example of our Zone Leaders.  We question all things, we bother all things, we have put of many hours of tracting, and hope to be able to put off many more hours of tracting.  If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we will seek after her immediately following our release.